***** THIS POST IS WRITTEN AND INTENDED FOR MARRIED WOMEN AND MEN ******
Today is February 13, 2015 – Valentine’s Day Weekend – and for three years, millions of people across the globe have been anticipating the day that the widely read, social phenomena Fifty Shades of Grey novel would be adapted to the silver screen. They’ve already read the books, the dog-eared pages have been flipped, finger licked and asterisked. And they want to see their favorite characters live and in all their true fantastical glory. That day has arrived.
According to comingsoon.net , the Fifty Shades movie has already broken several Fandango records; including the top seller of all Valentine’s Day (weekend) released films, #1 February Pre-seller (topping The LEGO Movie, an animated family film released in 2014), and the biggest R-rated ticket seller in the company’s 15 year history. Theater owners across the country are posting new showtimes to keep up with this frenzy-like demand. All I can say is “wow”, and that “I’m not surprised!”
Particularly since the spring of 2012, I can remember vividly just about every national and local news station had their female anchors holding up this book, reviewing it, and even visiting local libraries who reportedly had month-long waiting lists. Respected reporters in our communities sat in front of their camera-men- flushed and blushed- all because of a British woman who calls herself E.L. James, had the idea to re-create the Twilight series into something more adult-oriented and erotic. Women and moms all over could not get enough. They couldn’t put the book down, and if any were embarrassed to be seen reading it in public, they downloaded on their kindle along with the millions of others, or they simply made a new cover and excitedly delved back into fictional euphoria.
And now that this book is further infiltrating main stream America via its film adaptation, not everyone is excited about it. Many are very vocal in preaching against it and what they deem as a very immoral, dangerous and pornographic form of entertainment that cannot possibly do anyone entertaining this garbage any good. One of those people on that side of the argument is Christian radio Talk-Show host Bob Dutko of WMUZ-The Light, broadcasted out of Detroit, MI. Dutko is widely known for his very conservative, traditional, religiously apologetic, no non-sense approach to Biblical truth. And yesterday, I was able to be a guest caller on his segment on Fifty Shades, in which he did a call to his female listeners asking them to shed some light on why on God’s green earth, are not only women going to see this film in droves, but Christian women included! What is the draw?
MARRIED CHRISTIAN SEX….BORING???
And this is what I had to say: Married Christian sex is deemed as BORING! Yawn-inducing, I-think-I-have-a-headache kinda boring. When his producer heard my theory, a burst of loud giggles escaped her mouth and she put me right through.
I went on to say what I’ve personally experienced. And this is where I get to the juicy medium-rare meat of it. Fifty Shades is not the issue we should be focused on when it comes to why some Christian women are reading and lining up to see the film. Some of them have simply never allowed themselves to go there with their husbands, and this book laid it out in full detail just how good sex could be. A stark contrast to their boring, “proper” sex life.
No, not all Christian women need help freeing themselves in the bedroom, so allow me to explain how it was for me! Growing up in the church, your parents try and teach you all the fundamentals of being a “good Christian girl”, and NO SEX before marriage is at the top of the list. As a result, negative connotations associated with sex was unconsciously ingrained in my head, and if you read my introductory blog post “In The Beginning”, you know that my husband and I are elementary sweethearts. We dated and liked each other throughout junior high, high school, and college, and a good chunk of that time included the “raging teen hormone” phase. So what did I tell my “good Christian girl” self? SEX IS BAD! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! GROSS! NASTY! Anything to try and talk myself out of that fornicating temptation.
So a few years after college we got married. All was good right? Well yeah sorta, but I found myself facing a mental barrier that it took me years to get over. I had to become consciously liberated to consistently enjoy and desire making love with my husband. And it took me realizing with a newfound revelation that God created sex FOR man and woman within the confines of marriage.
After God created Eve from Adam’s rib, the bible says:
“The man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:25
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh*.” Ephesians 5:31
*flesh representing sexual union
And the Song of Solomon itself is filled with love-making!
“How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth. I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. … ” Song of Solomon 7:6-12
Some of us Christian women are too reserved to let our husbands lay hold of the fruit of our clusters! There are some sexual acts that some Christian women gasp at and “would NEVER!” But guess what, the world is having sex, writing about it, and ENJOYING IT and what’s more, INFLUENCING THE REST OF THE WORLD ON WHAT SEX SHOULD BE LIKE, particularly our young and impressionable youth! So, some of these reserved women who have had the “good Christian girl” tagline following them their whole lives, haven’t yet embraced the fact that we are sexual beings. They are picking up these books and discovering that their libido has a pulse again. Making love with your husband should never be “nasty”, should never hurt you (unlike what’s initially presented in Fifty Shades), and should be a place of sweet intimacy that continues to bring you back in union with each other. Check out Christian Marriage Today for more insight on sexual purity within the marriage.
So to be perfectly transparent, here are some of the issues I have faced at different stages in my marriage, and more challenging after it became a life with these kids:
- Once we were married, I found myself at times really enjoying it and excited to be of one flesh with my husband as God ordained it… some of us call it “legal booty”. But there were other times that I found myself stiff, mentally not there, and even having negative thoughts like “this is nasty, that feels nasty, ugggghhhh gross”. LOL *keep reading husband, I no longer have those thoughts hehe*
- I remember we had a phase where my husband and I felt disconnected from each other, and the lack of sex had something to do with it. I was pregnant with our 2nd child, we were not as financially stable as we would have liked, I never wanted to have sex and my husband had issues expressing his affection. As a result, we had trouble! My husband felt like he had to go so extra above and beyond to be “deserving” of me wanting to intimately be with him. As if it was a sexual favor. Ladies, mommies, your husband DOES NOT want to feel like its a chore for you to have sex with him. They want to feel just as desirable as we do. They want us to initiate it and physically show that we love them and that we like the way they make us feel! I had to learn that valuable lesson that it is hurtful for your husband to have to semi beg for sex from his WIFE!
- Yes, having a baby or multiple little ones running around all day definitely takes a toll on you. You are running the house all day, may be a working mom while STILL having to run the house, and by the time 10pm rolls around, the kids are bathed, lunches are made, and bed-time stories are read. You are settled in bed absolutely exhausted. Then your husband does the infamous shoulder tap, and your first inclination is to take that finger and break it. You may even say “really, after I’ve been rippin and runnin with these kids all day while you sat in front of the TV, and now you wanna wait until I’m good and sleepy to want to do it?!” Then he just defeatedly turns back over, unfulfilled, and tries his best to go to sleep. Yeah…lets try not to do that lol! It’s in those tired exhausted moments that we have to try and remember that our FIRST love is lying next to us. They are the person that helped us create our little babies. Allow your love to help soothe the stresses of this world that he faces every single day making provisions for his family.
- Particularly for nursing moms, it is definitely a struggle for your breasts to be used by both your little one and your husband. And if you were like me, there were periods where your “girls” were simply off limits. *do not pass go, do not collect $200* And if you have a loving husband they should understand that its a temporary state that will be over as soon as your nipples are no longer cracked, bleeding, and sore from the death-grip latch of your baby.
- I learned that despite being tired and worn down from the demands of little people, I had to be intentional about initiating sex with my husband. For me its making a plan in my head in advance and getting excited about it. Take off that nasty spit up tshirt and those yoga pants with dried up spaghetti sauce, and put on something thin and lacy! Make your man’s heart thump at the sheer sight of you <3
So, those are just a few of the issues that I faced and overcame as a woman and mother and at times, continue to do so! #thestruggle is real. Some of you may wonder, “well did you read the books?” and if so, “What did you think?!”. In short, I was initially disgusted at the thought of reading it, then a friend of mine, also Christian, convinced me to give them a try because she considered it to be a genuine good love story. So I read them, and like all the other women, got excited and to our shock, 9 months later here comes another big head boy! (lololol) While I don’t go around suggesting everyone grab a copy, I don’t regret reading them because it was what I needed at that time in my life to make me realize that there I was as a married woman to the man of my dreams, not fully enjoying and embracing what God Himself ordained for marriage!
But to be clear, I absolutely do not recommend to single women because it stirs up stuff that one shouldn’t be feeling without a husband! It should be, however, a wake up call to all the Christian women who are judging and wagging their finger at the other Christian women who are sitting in a theater watching the film as I currently type. Yes, we are held accountable for our own actions and everyone has their own convictions about what they consume, but dear Christian woman, what young wife have you invested in and mentored lately? The Bible instructs wise women to teach the young. We need wives and mothers to disciple the young and newly married on what it is to be a Godly wife and mother (Titus 2:3-5) If someone were discipling Christian women on even the subject of sex which is a MAJOR factor in successful marriages, maybe a secular, sinful book wouldn’t have had the chance to fill that void. Maybe we gift new brides with books like Under the Sheets: The Secrets of Hot Sex in Your Marriage by renowned Christian pyschologist Dr. Leman.
So, while I did not intend for this post to be this long, I hope it somewhat kept your attention and that what I’m trying to express is understood. This Valentine’s weekend, whatever it is you plan to do or watch, let it be a time to express your love to your spouse. If you are a woman and have had trouble enjoying relations with your husband, I encourage you to firstly pray about it! The Lord wants you to enjoy this gift! Secondly, talk to your husband and allow him to be the partner he was created to be for you. Relax, enjoy, and practice creating your own 50 Shades of Love for each other. Have fun with that
*I am giving away a copy of Under the Sheets: The Secrets of Hot Sex in Your Marriage! If you’d like to be in on the random selection, comment below or send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with “Married Loving” as the title with a little blurb of one way you show your spouse you love them! All emails must be received by Friday, February 20th, 12pm EST.